I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
