dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
