last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
