I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
