i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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