i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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