: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
