Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
