You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
