did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
