I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
