Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
