enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Randomize
