I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
