i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
