You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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