It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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