I just made out with a guy for $7.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
