I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
