i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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