Yo dont text me then not text me
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
