I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
