the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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