Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
