fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
