I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
