I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
