the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
