Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
