I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
