mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
