I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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