come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
