it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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