i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Randomize
