god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
