just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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