non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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