totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
