I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
