i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
