I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
