i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
