if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
and she was petting her beer can
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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