Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
