She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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