Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Semen is not good for contacts.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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