I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
