I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
