break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
