if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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