I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
