Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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